Its time for us to talk football
Good day, fellow awesome always-has-been-a-Lions fan. I am going to take your word for it, you have always been a fan of this team. Even when you lost interest in football all together because the “Lions were really bad,” and started watching the Chargers because “You liked the uniform colors”. You went through a pro tennis phase, you may have even gotten into MMA for a while. We have all been there, no judgies. Just know that we, the diehard miserable people who have been here all along, we care. In fact, we respect you so much that I thought I would provide you a fast track into a deeper level of Lions fandom. So don’t worry about buying a hat, or a discounted Megatron jersey off of Ali-express and being worried about someone asking you those hard Lions questions that you can’t answer. Don’t worry that your Reddit post titled, “Chip Kelly, sign him? Thoughts?” got down-voted into oblivion because, contrary to your misguided opinion, he would NOT make a good backup center. I am here for you.
Today, I am going to present you with a list that will allow you to avoid all of that. Maybe this will even allow you to make a friend or two. We all need friends, even you, person who follows professional football semi-casually.
This list will make everyone around you as uncomfortable as possible. I just want you to understand that from the jump. Your goal here is to get people to STOP talking about football. You want the conversation to end shortly after it begins, having only established your fandom puts you at risk, and nothing ends the conversations faster than something biting or derogatory to the other fan. Trust me, this is how we football fans talk to each other. You need only begin the conversation with “I am a Lions fan”, speak on one of the canned topics I am providing for you, and everyone around you will no longer want to talk about football. Hell, they will probably even buy you a shot or two because of your indelible wit. You only need to know what football team they support, recite the info about their team provided on this list, and you are ready to show off your always-been-but-new-found fandom in all its glory.
Feel free to cut it and paste this into your phone for any time you feel that a conversation about football might be beginning. So without further ado, here it is:
The teams you should hate at all costs and can never be nice to:
1. The Green Bay Packers
I’ll level with you here. Lots of Packers fans know less about football than you do. But they do know the players. Don’t get in an argument about the product that Clay Matthews uses in his hair. Just…don’t. You will lose that argument, and you will also be responsible for a few awkward boners. Just talk about how Wisconsin doesn’t deserve a football team. Be as diminutive as possible. They will eventually become disinterested in the conversation and will resume eating the mozzarella cheese sticks at the Applebees you undoubtedly met them in.
2. The Chicago Bears
Ugh. You see that guy staggering around over there? The one wearing pookah shells and a collared shirt? He is from Chicago. He will hit on your girlfriend. He just found out that Chicago had a hockey team a few years ago. Don’t bring up the fact that you are from Michigan. That is his number 1 pet peeve. Talk about how juvenile Wrigleyville is and gun violence. If he mentions the Bears, just say 6-0. That’s it. The conversation will end at that point.
3. All other Chicago Sports teams
Did I say this list was football exclusive? Stop being pedantic. No one likes that. If you are a Lions fan, you dislike Chicago sports. It doesn’t matter if you are from Michigan or not. Chicago is a city that is near Detroit and is also on the water and because they have more people they think that everything they do is better. You want to know what Chicago does better? Gun Violence. I know, I said that already. Bring it up again.
4. New England Patriots
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Remember when you went through that Hockey phase back in 96-98 then again in 2002ish then again in 2008? The Patriots are like the Red Wings of football, except they cheat. They also stole super sexy Tom Brady from us and made him a Boston sports icon. Whenever you get in a conversation with a Patriots fan, know that he is either not from Boston, or he will get really upset with you if you mention anything to do with the proper amount of air that should be pumped into a football. You know what? On second thought, if you meet a Patriots fan, just don’t argue with them. There is really nothing you can say right now football related that will win you an argument. Just nod grimly while they talk about how underrated each and every one of their Boston sports franchises are and when they think you are their friend, just add “And Roger Clemens should have his Jersey up at Fenway”. That should make them stop talking.
5. Minnesota Vikings
The thing about the Vikings, is that their fans think they are better than you. That’s the funny part. Like, they haven’t won anything. In fact, they lose in spectacular fashion at some of the worst possible times. It happens consistently too, they fool everyone into thinking they will be good, they perform well, and then they give up exactly the number of points they need to give up in the 4th quarter to lose to the Seahawks at home. If you want to make a friend, mention some of the stuff from the Packers section. If you want them to go away, bitch about the prevalence of child abuse in America and how we don’t do enough for the children.
6. Seattle Seahawks
Did they really copyright the 12th man? A phrase that has existed in the sport of football since its inception? That is how pretentious this team and fanbase is. They are willing to destroy their own vocal cords and other people’s eardrums to try and cause earthquakes. As a casual fan, you may not know this, but there is an actual competition between the fine denizens of Seattle and Kansas City to see who can break the decibel record for the loudest stadium. They all just scream like idiots the whole game while their quarterback runs around and tries to not get murdered because his team is too cheap to spend money on quality linemen. They find ways to win games that they should not win, sometimes with hilarious results, against teams higher up this list. That is the reason they are here and not up there. But damn they are obnoxious. Talk about how Marshawn Lynch didn’t do enough for the hall of fame, or how he deserved to get fined for his bullshit interviews. Maybe talk about how our receiver fucked their quarterback’s chick. I don’t know. Avoid if possible.
This should give you a good start. Next week we will move on to “Teams that are obnoxious but you honestly have no reason to hate them other than jealousy”. You didn’t think I was going to give all of it to you at once did you? That isn’t how life works bro. Until then, just avoid everyone else. It shouldn’t be too hard, you’ve done it before.
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