Power Rankings Masturbatorium, Preseason Review

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Power Rankings That Make You Want To Scream


It’s less than a week to the start of the season, and you know what that means… POWER RANKINGS! (Relevant soundtrack for post) Yes, that is right. It is time for sports journalist to randomly order all 32 teams based on unknown factors in order to royally piss off 90% of NFL fan bases. We, as Lions fans, will of course analyze these based on the fact that we are Lions fans. So let’s get to it.

SB Nation Power Rankings: Click Here

First up is SB Nation, the sports blog with a heart. Here is what they have to say about the Lions:

“If any of those teams have a chance to elevate themselves out of the league’s worst, it might be the Lions. Losing a future Hall of Fame player like Calvin Johnson left a big hole in roster as well as the team’s identity. But they could do a better job filling that gap than most of us think.”

They rank the Lions at 27. Which is meh. The Lions kind of have to prove everyone wrong at this point, since the world stopped watching after the horrendous start last year. Speaking of that, if I read another analyst write along the lines of “durrr was surprised to see the Lions had finished with 7 wins huehue” I will aggressively comment on their articles in all caps with Nickelback lyrics. It’s your job as a sports writer to know how teams finished, especially if it is also your job to write these stupid ranking articles.

The rest reads like a horoscope and probably has the same amount of relevance to the daily lives of readers. I was waiting for the article to mention the upcoming vague success I would be having at my place of employment. Further relevant is the Vikings sitting comfortably in the 8th spot, after holding a funeral for the career of Teddy Bridgewater literally a week ago. All is good in the world though apparently, they did go sign what I can only assume is more machine than man at this point in Sam Bradford. He has a history of regularly having his joints fall apart on the field.

Adrian Peterson rides a camel at his birthday party. (Instagram)

Adrian Peterson rides a camel at his birthday party. (Instagram)

The Vikings also still employ a camel riding running back who is 31 years old and for some reason everyone just assumes will always be the star player he has always been. He was taken in the same draft as Calvin Johnson everyone, and he plays running back. There is literally no identifiable reason why analysts just assume he is going to continue to produce at a high rate. Yes, you can point to the medical magic that allowed him to return insanely quickly after a major knee injury, and I will point out that injured players spend most of their time away from the team and typically don’t get tested for PED’s.  Also he beats children so I don’t like him.

The Bears ended up at 32. That is a funny thing, and I chuckled at it, but it is kind of absurd. The Bears were closer to 9-7 last year than most people who don’t watch football and write these articles seem to know.

Bleacher Report Power Rankings: Click Here

Next we move to Bleacher report, who finally stopped putting their power rankings in that abhorrent slideshow form and instead only wrote analysis for 3 of the 32 teams seemingly chosen at random. They mention something about the most ‘compelling clubs’ but then spend time slowly rubbing their own crotches while talking about Cam Newton and the Panthers. They did just come off a Super Bowl berth, so I am not sure why they are especially compelling. Everyone was hammered in the face with coverage of that team last year as they won a bunch of games.

They also inexplicably write 3 paragraphs about the Eagles, which I only can assume is because Philly fans are the absolute dregs of society and the article writer felt preemptively bullied.

Anyways, they rank the Lions at 27. No reason given, just another one of those ‘we don’t know where to put them but we have more important things to worry about’ rankings. Whoever wrote this one didn’t spend a ton of time writing it so I am not going to burn brain cells analyzing it. The Packers finish at 6, they rank the Vikings at a more reasonable 13, and the Bears are slotted in at 29.

Fox Sports Power Rankings: Click Here

Fox Sports’ power rankings were written by someone named Cameron DaSilva who has a disturbingly low number of followers on twitter for a national website writer. It makes me think that Fox was just like “Oh yeah we need to do a Power Rankings” and made some intern write it between delivering cups of herbal tea to Troy Aikman.

This one is interesting because he throws in a season record prediction as well. Also, lots of pictures of players doing manly things and randomly Rex Ryan. He slots the Lions at 26 here, predicting a 6-10 season record and saying this:

“Year 1 without Calvin Johnson should be telling of Matthew Stafford’s ability to elevate the offense, but it’s going to be a struggle to say the least. And with no true three-down back behind him, he won’t get much help from the running game. The Lions need to find a rushing attack if they want to win even six games.”

I am trying to remember when we activated the time vortex and ended up in 1994. I didn’t realize teams needed a three-down running back in today’s NFL, but apparently Fox Sports is convinced that the Lions glaring flaw is not having that. Besides being false by most measures, it’s blatantly wrong, as Ameer Abdullah is exactly what a three-down running back looks like. It just so happens the Lions also have Theo Riddick and that means you don’t have to use Abdullah on third down. It isn’t a lack thereof, it’s a multitude of options.

They throw the Packers all the way up at number 3 and predict a 12-4 record which seems quite high, but it’s the Packers and these are preseason power rankings, so whatever. Being the big believers in franchise running backs that they are, the Vikings end up at 9. The Bears end up at 27 and if all remains equal it’s only a matter of time before they overtake the Lions in the national articles. Something, something, 3rd biggest media market and all of that.

Things that matter more than this article POWER RANKED:

  1. Weird ass weather patterns in the US right now
  2. JonBenet Ramsey
  3. People doing things during the national anthem
  4. People not doing things during the national anthem
  5. US and Russia in Syria
  6. There is an election race right now also if you are interested.

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